Archive for the ‘Becoming A Winemaker’ category

Blue Screen

April 3, 2016


When people ask how I came to be here, a student at my age, so far from home, I always reply with some version of “after my husband died I needed to re-boot my life, so…..” But although it’s convenient and universally understood, that’s really the wrong image. Usually when you re-boot, all goes back to normal, to the beginning, as it was before. You turn it off, you turn it on again, et voilà, all is as it should be.

But that doesn’t happen when someone dies. You turn it off, you turn it on, you sleep, you awaken, they’re still gone, you’re still here. The processor is still humming away, but the program is lost, suffered a fatal error. It’s the blue screen of death, each and every time you look at it.

Perhaps in times past people faded more quickly from memory. But now, with digital images, slideshows, videos, audio recordings, the face and smile and voice of the lost one remain here on earth, ever present. A beautiful picture of Shel sits on my desk, just next to this keyboard, and he’s looking right into my eyes every time I dare to glance that way.

It will be two years this week since he died. Two of the longest and shortest years of my life.


Spring Too Soon?

March 6, 2016


Can spring ever come too soon? I’ve been so busy worrying about it being way too warm for the grapevines under my care that I’ve semi-forgotten to pay attention to the lusciousness of my own garden. There are still several weeks of possible frost ahead, and I know that a bud break in the grapes before frost is ruled out for the year could be disastrous. In my own garden, I’m not as sure.

This is my first year with this garden, and my first time gardening in this climate zone, so almost everything here was planted by someone else, someone who knew what was normal here, and many years ago at that. Now, with a warming climate, all bets are off. These hellebores are happily blooming when they should, in early March, and so I’m not fretting over them.


Perhaps these filbert catkins, so ethereally lovely, can cope. This tree looks to have been planted about when the house was built, in 1955, so who knows how many early and late springs it’s seen. It’s ancient, though, and I feel protective toward it.


But this indomitable tulip is surely confused. Last fall I buried its home in rock, not knowing there were bulbs underneath. And now it, and several more like it, have banged their heads through the stones, getting to the surface and the warmth they’d normally have found next month.


And not only is the forsythia at the height of its golden gorgeousness, so too are the roses leafing out. They say that you should prune roses when the forsythia blooms, which is definitely now, but then, what if it freezes?


I’m not worried about these guys, because I don’t know what they are or what their habits should be. I’m just happy to see their true blue every time I pull into the driveway, where they’ve come out just as the snowdrops have faded.


Nor am I worried about my scruffy, scrappy lawn, which is full of violets. My Plants professor thinks of them as weeds that should be banished from the grass, but I love them. They look like little bright Easter eggs, peeking through the unruly grass. Last night’s high wind brought down a small branch of the weeping birch, but I’m not worried about the tree either. It’s another one that’s probably stood as long as the house has, and knows how to take care of itself.

But in truth it’s hard to know when to worry and when to just admire what the world has to offer. The consequences of a freeze here in my sweet little spot wouldn’t be dire, unlike the vineyard, where crop yields could suffer mightily if the climate doesn’t cooperate. And that’s another lesson that’s not in my official curriculum – life as a farmer is uncertain, fraught with perils and powers that you can’t control. All you can do is keep your eye on the sky and hope for the best, while doing what little you can to help nature along. Wait, am I talking about farming, or life?

Dirty Boots And All

October 30, 2015


Today Ricky and Noel came and put this beautiful lady in her proper place, finishing my living room. And with naught but a measuring tape, two nails, and a miniature spirit level, they did much more than that; in some strange way they brought to a close my stage of getting comfortable in this, my new life.

That lady, she’s me, sort of, and now she’s home. Gazing into the future, but not looking like she’s forgetting the past. Disheveled and gorgeous at the same time, she looks unconventional (is that a bird on her head?) and glamorous, all in one.

Of course, I’m discovering just how unglamorous I can be. I’ve never been much for making more of myself than I just naturally am. But now I’m discovering the pleasure of muddy boots, work gloves, vine leaves in my hair, pomace on my hands, not caring. In fact, feeling kick-ass about it. The power, the freedom, they’re intoxicating. Some days I feel invincible.

But I’m finding that I do cry a lot, still. Or rather, again. For a couple of months there I was too busy moving and navigating my life as a student (grades??? exams??? seriously???) to let myself remember. But now things are settling down, and with them, my heavier heart speaks more insistently. To be alone in this world demands all the courage I have, and no amount of muddy-boot-ass-kicking can change that.

But now I have the lady to remind me: to keep my eyes on the wide open days of my future, to be whoever I can be in the sometimes tear-drenched, sometimes exalted present. To have blue hair if I want to, and birds on my head, to have a clear gaze and lips that are ready for anything and to drip right off the bottom of the world when I need to.

Thanks, Ricky and Noel, for giving me all that.

Making Ourselves At Home

August 30, 2015


It’s been two weeks since Toby and I landed in our new life, and one week since Minou became part of our family. We’ve all been getting used to each other, and to our little house, and small yard. It’s a big adjustment for Toby, whose home on the island was three times the size of our house here, and who roamed freely over a wide territory, within heart-stopping range of coyotes, eagles, owls, and cars. Here we have way more cars, but so far he hasn’t gone out of the tightly-fenced yard, and I’m hoping that he never does.


It’s been so hot, right up until today, that Minou had no compunction about putting his little tongue right into my ever-present  glass of ice water. There’s often a glass of rosé near that water, but neither cat shows any inclination to follow me in my wine-loving ways. It’s been over 90° most every day, so that we were all languid and ruffled, and inclined to lounge about. Me, though, I’ve been so busy with school that the kitties have been alone together for a good part of every day, while I kept my fingers crossed on their behalf.


But today it finally cooled off, and we even had a little rain, just enough to knock the smoke out of the sky, at least for now, and let us see some blue for the first time in two weeks. Toby, who has never lived with trees, being a beach cat, has begun to think about climbing.


And although strange cats have had the habit of running through our yard, and Toby is a gentle cat who never fights, he’s beginning to take ownership of the place. Since it was even cool enough today to have some doors and windows open, I decided to let Minou go outside for the first time, which he did without fear. I’m not teaching him about the cat door yet, but he’s quite smart, and will soon see how Toby uses it. But for now, I want to be sure I’m here when he goes out. So he did go out and come in several times between lunch and dinner, and later, when I heard a suspicious post-prandial  silence, I wondered whether I’d accidentally left the door open for him.


But no, the two of them had decided to snuggle up on the sofa together for an after-dinner nap. I can’t tell you how happy this makes me, to think that they’ve become friends already. The sort of friends who curl up together after dinner, in their new home, content to not even be in the same room with me, just to be together. Because I’m heading into a fantastically busy week, in which I either will or will not pass my forklift operator test (not at all a sure thing) and there are tons of grapes coming in so I’ll be on the crush pad whenever I’m not on the forklift, and maybe on the bottling line as well, and then in the tasting room. At home in my new life, but away from home many hours a day. I’m so glad that Toby and Minou have found a home in each other, and I plan to share their coziness whenever I can.

But in the meantime, I have got to master that damned forklift!

A Gentle Soul

August 23, 2015


Last night, for the first time in 16 months, I dreamed of Shel’s death. It wasn’t his actual death, in that inscrutable way of dreams, but another death. What I dreamed was that moment of leaving, that stark knowing that I’d never see him again. Perhaps I whimpered in my sleep, I don’t know.

What I do know is that this sweet three pounds of feathery fluff, who’s only lived with us for two days and hasn’t yet revealed his name, came to me at that moment, climbed onto my chest, just over my heart, and settled in to purr. And when I opened my eyes to look at him, tears that I hadn’t know were there slid slowly down my cheeks, and he patted my face very gently.

It’s a week now since I left my old life, my Shel life. I’ve worked on the crush pad, driven two forklifts, worked in the tasting room. Today I’m going to meet some new people and play boules. I’m well and truly gone from the world Shel and I shared, which in a way is like having him die all over again. I hadn’t expected this grief, because this is the new life I spun for myself out of the merest wisps of hope, the life I chose, the life that seems to be the very best life I can live at this moment. But still, in starting over I left him behind, in a profound way that still fills my eyes to overflowing.

And now I have a kitten who might read my heart. I love Toby, but he’s not an empathetic cat, doesn’t notice how I’m feeling. It’s one of the hardest things, to lose the one who always knows how you feel. Of course, a kitten and a husband are not the same thing, but maybe, just maybe, now I have someone to pat my cheek if I whimper in the night.

Up, Up, And Away

August 14, 2015


Wow, here I go. All that planning, talking the talk, telling my story, it’s boiling down to the hairy here and now. Often, in sorting, packing, schlepping, cursing, despairing of ever getting all my stuff to the other side of the state by Sunday, I feel like I’m circling the drain. But a friend gave me this card, saying it reminded her of me, and yes indeedy, if I get my head up out of the dust and bubble wrap, it does remind me of myself.

Sunday I’ll drive, with Annie’s splendid help, over Snoqualmie Pass, across the high desert, down along the Columbia River, then cross the Snake River and head into the golden wheat fields and lush vineyards surrounding Walla Walla. Monday we’ll unload the truck. Tuesday I have my first class: Forklift Operator Training. And I just got an email that the first grapes will be picked and processed on Tuesday as well, earlier than ever before, and that I should arrive at College Cellars in closed toe, waterproof shoes, and be prepared to get sticky. Ok, now I know I’m not in Kansas anymore.

Untethered, heading away from home, getting closer to the sun but prepared for weather, kicking up my heels, trusting myself to the updraft, eyes on the prize, that’s me. Or as close to me as a little girl in a slip of a dress, crossing the wide, blue skies can ever be.