Transplant Shock

I’ve kind of been stunned into silence lately, getting ready to leave my cozy life in Walla Walla, moving back to my island home, and then trying to settle in. It’s taken me three entire weeks to relax enough to reflect.

I’ve been going in all directions, every which way. After four years away from my island life I’ve gotten a bit lost and even taken the wrong roads a couple of times, and had to re-invent every tiniest part of a daily routine. This house has stairs; my knee wishes it didn’t. It’s amazing how much energy it takes just figuring out when to go up, when to go down. It’s all been surprisingly exhausting, uprooting myself, making me feel that I must indeed be getting older.

I have been trying to work on one thing at a time, but keep getting distracted by the sheer number of things that need to be done. I’m going very easy on myself, not doing more than I want to in any given day, even though that prolongs the chaos.

The many hundreds of bumblebees in my garden are so focused and industrious that it makes me feel more productive just to watch them. I call it seeking inspiration, so as not to call it taking a break.

These blue and pink hydrangea blossoms are blooming on the same plant, defying what I think I know about soil chemistry. They remind me of myself, pining for my old home, kitties, and friends, but also slipping back into my old ways with surprising gusto, the two states existing simultaneously,

the old and the new colliding in the present. Who will emerge victorious? Because this is a contest, my happiness project. I’m giving myself a year to see whether I can find more happiness here than there, and it’s a pretty high bar.

I’ve left my old life behind, kind of. I’ve made sure that my home and cats and garden in Walla Walla will be perfectly preserved a year from now, should I choose to go back.

But like these blueberries that I planted before I left the island, the fruit of a possible new life is still a long way from being ripe.

The sun is shining now, but there was a long run of misty and coolish days, perfect for contemplation. Every night I have dinner right here, and ask myself what I really want. I’m giving myself a year to find out, engaged in a happiness project.

Because like it or not, I am inexorably aging, and while there’s no use wallowing or despairing, there’s no use denying it either. If I am lucky I now have the last quarter of my life left to live, and my goal is to make the absolute most of it. Where’s the best place to do that? I’m letting time tell me.

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7 Comments on “Transplant Shock”

  1. Sheldon Says:

    Beautiful place for reflection and I love the idea of a happiness project.

  2. gail carter Says:

    You may have no idea how many women are facing dilemmas such as yours. I do relate, however, we all handle this differently. I have found older women friends (widows) who have a positive outlook to be my mainstay. Don’t isolate yourself.

  3. Lao Ai Says:

    We hope the ladies are part of the plan.
    Note Megan’s opening on the First.
    I’m going to go to Eagle Harbor but hope to see you Tuesday.

    Harried Harrie

  4. Francine Lemay Says:

    Tu es devenue très sage!…..te donner une année complète de réflexion et en même temps conserver une possibilité de retour en arrière….c’est ça la sagesse!……je suis certaine que tu prendras la meilleure décision!…..Si jamais tu trouves l’hiver trop froid à Seattle, tu es toujours la bienvenue en Floride!……big hugs…..

  5. Abra Bennett Says:

    Yes, I do think that other women will be a great support. Et si la sagesse n’arrive pas avec l’âge, tout est perdu !

  6. kim Says:

    welcome back!If reflecting on the here and now, from your beautiful spot, isn’t all there is, I don’t know what would be!

  7. Patti A Says:

    Your journey is inspiring. Thank you for sharing it with us.

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