Like A Squirrel In Winter
I’m stocking up. Savoring every bit of sunshine against those days when I go slip-sliding across the ice field formerly-known-as parking lot, those evenings when I hear rain bucketing down from the corner of my roof, as if there were no down spout. Is there one? I need to go look. What do I know from downspouts? That was Shel’s job.
I’m squirreling away my fears and tears about another Christmas without Shel. Last year I was in France, and thus avoided the worst of it. Had a sweet time, even. But this year I’ll be here, and he won’t. I’m stockpiling the memories of our 20 Christmases together. Twenty sounds like a lot but it wasn’t nearly enough. My mailbox, like yours, is inundated with catalogs in this season. And I still think “Shel would like that for Christmas” or more likely “I would love to give that to Shel for Christmas, but really, he doesn’t care about presents, he just wants to live.”
I’m trying to be reasonably bright-eyed, or least least clear-eyed, if not actually bushy-tailed, in spite of it all. To do what I came here to do, and to love it. The fact that the world is more fucked up than it has been at any point in my lifetime notwithstanding, this part of my life demands optimism.
I have to believe those acorns will still be there, come Spring. I have to believe that I can find love again in this lifetime, that happiness will sneak around the corner of my grief on a regular basis, that chirping and blooming will return to my life as the year turns.
These are the dark, cold days, but as a very wise person once wrote, and I often remind myself: “The world is always turning toward the morning.” That’s my story: Shel would want me to stick to it.